The series for round 2 of the playoffs is currently tied at
3-3 between the Ducks and the Kings. Such a crucial point in the Duck’s
ascension has forced my hand. It is with nerve racking trepidation that I
unearth a tome that was sealed away in a long forgotten crypt. A crypt that is far removed from the reaches of
man, nature, and reality. Venturing into it would be tantamount to heresy of the
most treacherous kind. I was already damned the very moment I decided to set
this plan into motion so I had no choice but to carry it out. After perusing my
vast library of manuscripts I found an old copy of the Weekly World News. It
had an article which disclosed the location of the cave in which they found the
Bat Boy in. I immediately crammed all the sandwiches and Gatorade I could into
my backpack and headed there via train. Why I chose such an outdated mode of
transport is beyond me. Subsisting on nothing but ham sandwiches, Gatorade, and
granola bars for two months straight makes a man do strange things.
When I arrived I found much to my surprise that the Bat Boy was really in his cave. Apparently he gets homesick every now and then so he occasionally drops by his old stomping grounds. After shaking his webbed hand and discussing the NHL playoffs over roasted rat he pointed me to where in the depths of the cave I must go to find the horrid book that is bound in the flesh of apostates and reality show producers. After venturing through the labyrinthine twists and turns of the cavern with nothing but a Lite-Brite picture of Popeye lighting the way, I finally found the crypt. It was festooned with all manner of arcane sigils and pictograms. Against every fiber of my being I forced myself into the mausoleum. I finally entered the chambers in which the remains of a fallen eldritch horror was buried. It’s crushing will still lingered in there and made every attempt to push me out but I repelled its influence by repeatedly yelling “CHA-LA-HEAD—CHA-LA” from the original Dragon Ball Z opening song. After finally snatching away the tome I ran out of there as fast as my legs could carry me. I made my way to the exit of the cave and headed back home.
At my ceremonial chambers I hurriedly took the book out of my bag so that I may get this wretched thing over with as soon as I can. I could feel the caustic maledictions locked in there burning my fingertips, eager to find their way out so they can wreak havoc on this dimension. The ritual for this summon demanded that I drink an elixir made of liquefied sour patch kids and habanero peppers. Upon doing so I left my body and traveled to the abyssal plane, where eldritch cosmic abominations dwelled. Their fiendishly warped gibbering bespoke of the time they traversed their plane and the mind shattering logic they have developed from seeing the many deaths and births of civilizations, stars, and galaxies. My spirit was hurled into a state of nothingness. No black, white, gray, just nothing. I felt every single microscopic shred of me being broken down and reformed. After crossing a gooey membrane I found myself standing in a room made out of some sort of pulsating alien flesh. The eldritch abomination housed therein had a grudging respect for meager humans who are able to traverse the abyssal plane. So he chose to speak to me in a form that he assumed whenever he was on Earth. The form of Wilford Brimley.
“What brings you here, ape of Earth?”
“I need the Ducks to win tonight’s game. Preferably all the way to the Stanley Cup as well as the Stanley Cup itself. A curse must be placed upon all who oppose the Ducks.”
“Your short sightedness prevents you from understanding just how many curses are placed on the Ducks by Kings fans. I must exhaust a great deal of strength and influence in order to form an imprecation of such magnitude that it supersedes the mass of curses that are placed on the Ducks. It can be done, but only for this game. The best I can do is raise their blood sugar to the point that it weakens them.”
“Very well then, I am in your debt great and Ageless One.”
I was very much in debt to him indeed. In order to compensate the abomination for its efforts I entered into a covenant with him. Not only must I receive diabetic testing supplies from Liberty Medical I must also assist in helping the Ageless One expand or regain his influence. Even if it meant doing so by going door to door and promoting Liberty Medical’s services.
No comments:
Post a Comment