Well today I turned thirty. I felt the occasion called for
me to write something reflective but why did it have to take this birthday for
me to do it? I could just as easily have done so two and a half years ago one
evening. The only difference is just the passage of time. It’s not like by the
dint of this arbitrary milestone I reached some higher plane of existence. Some
feel pressured to justify or vindicate themselves in some fashion to account
for any lost time. I divorced myself from such sentimental nonsense, so I am
fortunate to not feel pressured to justify my existence to a world that is
indifferent to my passing. Why should we even care that we “lost time” when the
scope of that concept is limited to just “opportunities that slipped from our
fingers” and does not take into account the burdens we inherit from everything
we acquire? I will admit, my difficulties and emotionally crippling incompetence
could have something to do with me adopting such a nihilistic outlook; it’s
easier to forgive yourself when you focus on just how shitty and rigged the
game is. At least I am self-aware and honest enough to own up to that
possibility.
Despite having a personally vested interest in remaining tepid I decided to cast the house's loaded dice, all in the spirit of today. Knowing that today is just another day like all the ones before it should not interfere with any effort to consolidate my years. Western intellectualism demands that we employ only truth and reason in all things. Well then tell me this. If you explain to a man that is intent on drinking himself to death that his anguish is in reality caused by some sort of serotonergic/dopaminergic dysfunction, damage to the hippocampus, or a problem with his brain’s reward center, is that going to really lift his spirits? To be fair, it could set him on the right direction to getting the right medical help he needs. The point though is to illustrate that it is not just a question of truth but what we really need to persist in life. The placebo effect is a powerful enough force that pharmacological studies must always take it into account. It is the power of belief that drives men to obstinately push forward in the face of futility. That and an effective use of neurotransmitters.
So I started remembering why I originally set out to pursue a degree in electrical engineering. It was all because of Ghost in the Shell. I want to help make cyborgs a reality. Maybe even make an army of them and bring this world to its knees. Despite being forced to acknowledge that I lack the talent and working memory to become a contributing force I have no choice but to push forward. I started this madness, I might as well see it through to the bitter end. It would seem that all I am capable of bringing to the table is just hopeless obstinance and grim determination.
So all in all happy birthday to me.
