I returned from physics class feeling disappointed with myself for being unable to follow along. Even when a portion I was struggling with was personally explained to me I tensed up at my inability to grasp it. It should come to no surprise that shortly thereafter I was unable to recall what was necessary for me to proceed with the problems assigned to my group. I had no choice but to defer to the others in my group whose comprehension outstripped mine. The dreadfully sinking suspicion that there is something genuinely wrong with me was further reinforced by a nerve wracking experience with an intro to electrical engineering exam the day before. I could find consolation in that many of my peers struggled with it as well but I don't. Lately, my devoted studies have yielded a disproportionate output. I searched for anything I can use to help pull me out of this "Sisyphic" turmoil. I thought I just merely had to fortify my working memory using various aides like Lumosity. Lo and behold I found this. It would seem that my little Lumosity program really isn't helping. As if my hopes were not already sufficiently dashed.
Despite my knack for ornamenting my thoughts with verbal flourishes and being gifted (or burdened) with existential insight, I lag behind in the only skill that truly matters, logic; and by extension, working memory as well. I just wished I knew where the root of this cognitive disconnect lies so I can effectively work toward uprooting it. I lack the means to treat this with the aid of modern medical/behavioral science. So I am left with no other option but to find a way to work it out myself. I can only hope that I am just being too highly strung and inflating things.
"Well, it's just like it is with the stars, there are bright ones and there are those that are dim." -Hilda, Outlaw Star
I have wasted the most potentially fruitful portion of my life wallowing in self pity and agonizing over my failures. Now, the flow of time has pushed me to a precipice. The only option left is for me to push back and grimly advance.
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