Happy birthday

Well today I turned thirty. I felt the occasion called for me to write something reflective but why did it have to take this birthday for me to do it? I could just as easily have done so two and a half years ago one evening. The only difference is just the passage of time. It’s not like by the dint of this arbitrary milestone I reached some higher plane of existence. Some feel pressured to justify or vindicate themselves in some fashion to account for any lost time. I divorced myself from such sentimental nonsense, so I am fortunate to not feel pressured to justify my existence to a world that is indifferent to my passing. Why should we even care that we “lost time” when the scope of that concept is limited to just “opportunities that slipped from our fingers” and does not take into account the burdens we inherit from everything we acquire? I will admit, my difficulties and emotionally crippling incompetence could have something to do with me adopting such a nihilistic outlook; it’s easier to forgive yourself when you focus on just how shitty and rigged the game is. At least I am self-aware and honest enough to own up to that possibility.

Despite having a personally vested interest in remaining tepid I decided to cast the house's loaded dice, all in the spirit of today. Knowing that today is just another day like all the ones before it should not interfere with any effort to consolidate my years. Western intellectualism demands that we employ only truth and reason in all things. Well then tell me this. If you explain to a man that is intent on drinking himself to death that his anguish is in reality caused by some sort of serotonergic/dopaminergic dysfunction, damage to the hippocampus, or a problem with his brain’s reward center, is that going to really lift his spirits? To be fair, it could set him on the right direction to getting the right medical help he needs. The point though is to illustrate that it is not just a question of truth but what we really need to persist in life. The placebo effect is a powerful enough force that pharmacological studies must always take it into account. It is the power of belief that drives men to obstinately push forward in the face of futility. That and an effective use of neurotransmitters.

So I started remembering why I originally set out to pursue a degree in electrical engineering. It was all because of Ghost in the Shell. I want to help make cyborgs a reality. Maybe even make an army of them and bring this world to its knees. Despite being forced to acknowledge that I lack the talent and working memory to become a contributing force I have no choice but to push forward. I started this madness, I might as well see it through to the bitter end. It would seem that all I am capable of bringing to the table is just hopeless obstinance and grim determination.  

So all in all happy birthday to me. 

It all began with Xenosaga

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone. . ." To think it was Xenosaga Episode I: Der Wille zur Macht, a Japanese video game, which originally exposed me to that quote. It truly does illustrate the finer points of learning scripture. Irrespective of what theological position you may hold, those finer points remain undulled. Even Friedrich Nietzsche had aspirations of becoming a priest throughout his entire early life. 

Come to think of it, it was that game which sparked my love of Nietzsche. It all began after I looked into where the second half of its title came from. I should play it again whenever I have the opportunity. We all need to return to our roots from time to time lest we lose grip of what we are. I just need to find the patience for JRPGs again lol.

This makes me question if there is any genuine need for us to exhume our past. Aside from appeasing the sentimental whimsy that escalates with age. The flow of time continuously erodes our essence. Why should we make the attempt to recapture moments that have long drifted away from us? I guess that is a question that I will have to present to Marcel Proust or even better, a neuroscientist lol. 

I suspect this is where my abysmal memory comes from. A side affect of relegating my waking moments to the crumpled up scrawls of a failed novella.

Here is my favorite scene from Xenosaga.