Happy birthday

Well today I turned thirty. I felt the occasion called for me to write something reflective but why did it have to take this birthday for me to do it? I could just as easily have done so two and a half years ago one evening. The only difference is just the passage of time. It’s not like by the dint of this arbitrary milestone I reached some higher plane of existence. Some feel pressured to justify or vindicate themselves in some fashion to account for any lost time. I divorced myself from such sentimental nonsense, so I am fortunate to not feel pressured to justify my existence to a world that is indifferent to my passing. Why should we even care that we “lost time” when the scope of that concept is limited to just “opportunities that slipped from our fingers” and does not take into account the burdens we inherit from everything we acquire? I will admit, my difficulties and emotionally crippling incompetence could have something to do with me adopting such a nihilistic outlook; it’s easier to forgive yourself when you focus on just how shitty and rigged the game is. At least I am self-aware and honest enough to own up to that possibility.

Despite having a personally vested interest in remaining tepid I decided to cast the house's loaded dice, all in the spirit of today. Knowing that today is just another day like all the ones before it should not interfere with any effort to consolidate my years. Western intellectualism demands that we employ only truth and reason in all things. Well then tell me this. If you explain to a man that is intent on drinking himself to death that his anguish is in reality caused by some sort of serotonergic/dopaminergic dysfunction, damage to the hippocampus, or a problem with his brain’s reward center, is that going to really lift his spirits? To be fair, it could set him on the right direction to getting the right medical help he needs. The point though is to illustrate that it is not just a question of truth but what we really need to persist in life. The placebo effect is a powerful enough force that pharmacological studies must always take it into account. It is the power of belief that drives men to obstinately push forward in the face of futility. That and an effective use of neurotransmitters.

So I started remembering why I originally set out to pursue a degree in electrical engineering. It was all because of Ghost in the Shell. I want to help make cyborgs a reality. Maybe even make an army of them and bring this world to its knees. Despite being forced to acknowledge that I lack the talent and working memory to become a contributing force I have no choice but to push forward. I started this madness, I might as well see it through to the bitter end. It would seem that all I am capable of bringing to the table is just hopeless obstinance and grim determination.  

So all in all happy birthday to me. 

Ravioli and ham sandwiches fuel apoplectic fits of egomania

Oh God. There are times when I scare myself with what I write. After having a thirty minute meditation session with my brainwave entrainment music I fell into a state of half-sleep for about another twenty to thirty minutes.  After eating some ravioli, ramen, and a ham sandwich I felt reinvigorated. I turned to my usual source of inspiration, focus, and energy. Really haunting and vampiric organ music. Something about the organ speaks to me. I am sure it has everything to do with what I have grown up seeing what this type of music is associated with. A cultured, frighteningly intelligent noble (preferably a vampire) who lords over a vast castle on a precipice surrounded by the verdant expanse of an ancient forest. These sort of meanderings are just flights of fancy. I am sure we would be surprised or even horrified if we shared the sort of sentiments and thoughts that form the dilapidated foundation of our frail and mortal egos.

I highly suggest you check out the Vampire Knight series. It is deliciously tragic; made even more delectable with a soundtrack that adds a devastating impact which rattles your very bones. It blindsides you repeatedly and tosses you into the icy desolate wasteland of humanity. After listening to this particular performance the words and thoughts just poured freely out of me. Even as I am typing my music continues to push me forward. The apoplectic fit of egomania which was ignited by my music led to me writing this little reflective piece. I can only hope to carry the momentum of this fit all the way to the gym later tonight.

A simple flourish at the end adds a little more depth to a performance. Even if it is a disjointed one that becomes completely lost to a sudden collision with the madness of the self and the uncompromising reality of this world.  As I grope feverishly through this fog I occasionally catch glimpses of times that never were and could have been. After so many years all one can do is laugh and thrash with reckless abandon. At least with what little strength our aging bodies still have. As gravity matches its force with our burdens it continues to submerge us into the earth. Even after we have entered the abyss. In such unforgiving depths we are loathe to experience it alone. So we call upon those nearby to join us. So I say “Which of you have the sand to plunge into the very depths of your own self?”